Shelby's Life and Whatnot

I Hate Heelys

If I ever meet the man who invented Heelys, I will personally strangle him with my bare hands. If you have no idea what Heelys are, consider yourself very, very lucky. Heelys are tennis shoes with wheels in the heels. They look like this:

The wearer, 99.9% of the time a child, can then skate along instead of walking like a normal person. The wheels do not retract, so wearing Heelys requires you to walk on your toes or to skate (or to go flying backwards, as the case may be). The child generally takes a few running "steps" (since that part involves basically shoving your toe into the ground I hate to call them steps) to build up momentum and then glides along, returning to running to stop. Running being a relative term.

The danger factor is apparent here, as is the damage to a child's toes, ankles, knees, and every other body part involved in walking due to being forced into such a bizarre shuffling gait. However, the annoyance factor is much higher. People let their children wear these things to Disneyland. To DISNEYLAND!!! What the hell? Perhaps I was just brought up strangely when my parents dressed us in layers and made sure we were wearing sensible shoes for walking and standing around an amusement park all day. I'm telling you, dozens and dozens of Heely-wearing kids come through our store daily. They're obnoxious. They're constantly running into things--displays, for example, but mostly other people. They are constantly running over toddlers and tripping over strollers and just plain other people in the store. Heely wearers are quite often wobbling and grabbing on to things and people (to whom they are not related--just anyone who is handy) and just generally creating a safety hazard and a nuisance all over the place.

Here's an open message to parents everywhere: Heelys are NOT SHOES. Just because they are sold in a shoe store and look just like shoes does not make them shoes. Heelys are sporting equipment, just like roller skates, rollerblades, and skateboards. Here's an example that demonstrates why Heelys are skates and not shoes. Heelys' own website states clearly that Heelys should always be worn with protective gear. One does not need protective gear when wearing shoes. You can join Team Heely and show off your tricks and stunts wearing your Heelys. Here's some videos! There is a word for tricks and stunts done while wearing shoes, and that word is dancing.

Heelys should not be allowed anywhere that other types of skates aren't allowed. Sorry--call me un-fun and stodgy if you will, but Heelys are a hazard to your child and everyone around him or her. It is true that one does not skate the entire time one is wearing Heelys, so a rollerblading analogy would not be a good one, but they are very much like skateboards in that one can choose to skate or not choose to skate. Heelys are just not appropriate for places like Disneyland.

It is my sincere hope that people will start seeing Heelys as sporting equipment (which they are) and not as shoes (which they are not) and treat them accordingly.